Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
