I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I could make wine with my vomit
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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