She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
