my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
