I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
