he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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