I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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