I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
