so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
