i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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