then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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