he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
