One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
