you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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