I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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