The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
