I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
