He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
