Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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