I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
