Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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