I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
