So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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