I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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