What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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