why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
