the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
