I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
