i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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