Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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