he thought i was a dude.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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