Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
