Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
