I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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