Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
