just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
