There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
