I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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