he puts the penis in happiness.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
