The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
