I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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