I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I am spending my child support on dildos
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Operation Purity has been aborted
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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