shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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