So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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