I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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