Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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