right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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