Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
