There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
