I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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