Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
my being single is dangerous.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
