Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize