She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
