Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
