You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
