I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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