Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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