If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
