I just pynch a tree in the face
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
