I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
