he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
