He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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