final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
